I had a real dud of a day today. My brain didn't want to function correctly, I had no energy, and I had to push myself to do anything at all. I suspect my general funk was caused by a conglomerate of many little things that have been weighing on me.
I knew there had to be a more productive way to handle my ouchie-grouchy feelings so as I stumbled through the day, I tried to do some self-analyzing. Just what could I do to change my outlook and move on to a "better place?" (Tra-la. Tra-la. Tra-la.)
From inside my head came a little voice (actually it was kind of an accusatory voice, but that was in keeping with the day) that asked the question, "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?”
Well, shoot, I can answer that. It may sound petty and vain (oh, what the heck), but I think the one thing that would be the most "freeing" for me would be to magically become thin and stay that way for the rest of my life without having to constantly limit the things I eat. YES!
I love to cook, I love to eat, I truly enjoy food. But ever since I was a teen, I've always had to monitor what I put into my mouth. Therefore, eating (and to some extent cooking) has become quilt-ridden and carries a negative connotation for me. I'm constantly having to either deny myself (which is a negative) or feel guilty (a negative again) in regards to how much or what I eat. (Yes,indeedy -do, I seriously could sit down and eat a whole pie for lunch and thoroughly relish it if it weren't for knowing I'd have to beat myself with a large stick afterwards.)
I have a slow metabolism (sometimes I think it's dead) and although I've always worked hard physically and remained active, I have a propensity to pack on pounds quickly if I don't keep my guard up. It's a real drag. (SOMEthing's dragging, I can attest to that!)
Even though I'm not obese or even fat, I easily could be. It's a fact that I feel physically better if I'm twenty pounds lighter than I usually am. Because I'm short, those extra pounds don't ride easily on my frame, and I have to wear clothes that camouflage the extra bulges and bumps. It's so much easier to find clothes that look good on me when I'm thin. Oh, I know exactly what I have to do to drop those twenty pounds in short order. It would happen; there's no question about it. But there goes just about my total enjoyment of eating and cooking. In steps denial to the nth degree. (And I become a big,ol' cranky crab. Or a crabby crank.)
Well. You can't have it both ways, Mama Pea. Make up your mind. Do you want that svelte figure that enables you to wear just about any kind of clothes and look and feel physically better, or do you want to savor homemade pudding, lasagna and garlic-cheese bread (oh heaven's, I make a good garlic-cheese bread!), succulent sandwiches on homemade bread slathered with mayo, waffles with maple syrup and luscious cream soups? Huh? Huh? What's your choice?
If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be? Yeah, I'd like to be thin without having to be irritable with denial or feeling depressed with guilt.
Okay, snap out of it. Back to reality. We're talking fantasy here. No fairy godmother with a magic wand full of pixie dust is going to come by, bonk me on the head and grant my wish to magically change one thing about myself. (The very concept would be downright scary and if it were possible, I sure would want to spend a LOT of time thinking about it in order to make the wisest decision possible.)
What a nutsy tangent I got off on tonight. Okay, I've bared my screwed-up soul . . . now how about you, dear reader? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?